Celebrating an anniversary that never quite happened

Fifty years, a half a century, a lifetime in some cultures.

It’s a long time, no matter how you count it. Not as long as 72, if you are keeping tab of birthdays, but obviously a milestone when it comes to wedding anniversaries.

Back on that June night in 1959, probably the furthest thing from my mind was June 12, 2009. Well, that day rolled around last Friday, but sadly Jan was not here to celebrate with me.

We had 47-plus great years together — a record we were proud of, and somewhat of a mark distinction nowadays — before she passed away, not a victim of the cancer she had battled so valiantly, and successfully, but rather from a totally unexpected viral infection.

Certainly Friday was a bittersweet day for me, but the sadness was tempered somewhat by having been able to move ahead with my life, as much as you can after losing a spouse. I played in the Maryville Host Lions Club’s annual golf tourney, something I selfishly think Jan would have approved of (especially since my team and I won a little meat).

I thought it was also ironic that the day before, a friend had forwarded some e-mail jokes dealing with men, women, and marriage. Jan and I always laughed a lot together, and I am sure she was laughing with me at these.

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
”Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked. “No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the roots — and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife, Grace, listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.” He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife's favorite flower?” Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, “It's Pillsbury, isn’t it?”

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day — 30,000, to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.”
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

WHO DOES WHAT?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.” The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.” Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.” Husband replies, “I can't believe that, show me.” So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: “HEBREWS.”

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5 a.m.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 7 a.m. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It's 5:00 a.m. Wake up.” (Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.)
And I’m sure Jan would close with something like this:
“God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.”
And, you can bet she’d have proofread this for me.