JIM FALL: Some advice for holiday eating I didn’t write — but will practice

Well, I made it through the Big Birthday Celebration — a little wet for the ware, but ready to face whatever the future holds for me in 2012 and beyond.

I figure if the Good Lord will see me through more than seven rainy hours on the road and four more hours sitting in the rain to see the Bearcats get manhandled by Pitt State, all within hours of actually turning 75, I’m probably good to go for at least a few more.

Despite feeling pretty much like a wet sponge left in a corner of the sink overnight, I managed to make it to church (on time) Sunday morning to offer my heartfelt thanks for surviving the past three-quarters of a century — which just may have been the best composite of years yet for anyone to have been alive — and humbly present my case for allowing me to continue this wonderful foolishness we call “Those Golden Years.”

But first, I have to survive the upcoming Holiday Season. Excuse me, I not alone here; we all face the same challenge.

With that obstacle looming, I ran across a wonderful article written by Craig Wilson in the venerable USA TODAY. Now I don’t know Craig Wilson from Adam’s off ox, but from this one piece, I am confident that he is my kind of guy.

That being said, Mr. Wilson’ self-confession, followed by his advice for surviving from now through Jan. 6 follow, verbatim:

“I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the Food Police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of ‘Holiday Eating Do's And Don'ts.’ Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.

“Good grief! Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph.

“I have my own list of Tips for Holiday Eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? By then, your pants won't fit anymore anyway.

“About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

“Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.

You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

“If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

“As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

“Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

“Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.

This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

“If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind.

You're not going to see them again.

“Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert, Labor Day?

“Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

“And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

“And remember: A good mom lets you lick the beaters. A GREAT mom turns the mixer off first.”

I understand that is not at all original, but it is such wonderful advice.

See you at the Community Center Jan. 2.

Jim Fall is a former publisher of the Maryville Daily Forum.