Things i think i think

a couple months ago, i got away from everything for a week and did a personal retreat at a benedictine monastary in nowhere, missouri. (and by nowhere, missouri i actually mean just 20 minutes away from my house).

the goal of my retreat was to simply keep from burning out. i was on the verge. i'll share the warning signs of burnout to watch for in another post, but suffice it to say that i was close. too close.

on my retreat i did three things:

1. i slept. a lot.
2. i read my Bible and not much else.
3. i prayed. sometimes alone and sometimes with the monks.

and while this doesn't sound like much, it was very hard work. it's incredible to me the work God longs to do in us if we'll simply give Him the space and time.

and so i came out of that week having learned two major lessons that have shaped my last four months in campus ministry.

the first lesson is this: we must not be distracted from our great work.

i wear lots of hats. i am a director, preacher, counselor, visionary, office manager, public relations guy, and landlord. some of these roles i enjoy performing more than others. and some times i can get bogged down in the minutiae of the smaller roles. and this is unhealthy.

as i was reading nehemiah on my retreat, i noticed (again) that he would not be distracted from his task. he was leading the charge on a building project and some mean nasties came and tried to convince nehemiah to take a break from his work and meet with them. in actuality, they were aspiring to kill him. and i love nehemiah's response:

"i am doing a great work and i cannot come down." (nehemiah 6:3)

here are a few observations:

1. nehemiah knew what his work was.
he knew the task before him. he knew what was required of him. he knew what God had placed before him to accomplish.

during my retreat i wrote down all of my roles and then prayerfully asked God what work He had placed before me. i landed on two things: preaching/teaching and discipleship. this was where He wanted me to spend my time. this was the work He had given me to accomplish.

2. nehemiah knew his work was great.
whatever God has called us to is sacred. it's not second-class work or stuff reserved for the B team. whether it's building a wall, preaching a sermon, investing in your children, getting a degree, or managing your home, the work God has placed before you in a great work. nehemiah knew this. we must, too.

3. nehemiah absolutely would not be distracted from his great work.
once i determined that my great work is to preach/teach and disciple, i had to make a holy resolution to radically re-orient my days around these tasks. i now spend 80-85% of my time on these two things. that means other important (and even good) things will be put on the backburner. i will not apologize or feel guilty about this. nehemiah didn't.

and so...do you know what your great work is? are you giving yourself whole-heartedly to that great work? or are you distracted? what changed need to be made?

none of this is rocket surgery or brain science, but it's always good to be reminded. and i post things here so you know that i practice what i preach.

keri and i have been married for 12 years. in january, to celebrate, my kids and i brainstormed up a list of small gifts that we knew she would like. we wanted to find 12 things, one for each year of our marriage. we gave them to her at dinner time and we were all heroes.

here is what we landed on:

and here are a few lessons i learned about the romantic and intentional sharing of small gifts:

1. it doesn't have to be expensive: all in all, these 12 items cost me under $12.
2. it doesn't have to be elaborate: originally, the kids and i wanted to do a whole scavenger hunt thing. we simply ran out of time. we were kind of bummed, but it really didn't matter in the end.
3. it doesn't have to be a lot: originally, we wanted to come up with 12 different items. in the picture, you can see that 8 of the 12 items are packets of hot chocolate. and that's OK.
4. involve the kids: the kids have fun, you have fun, and the wife thinks you're a hero.

so, get at it. while i did this for our anniversary, you don't have to wait until then. you can do this today.

my friend hannah has something of an obsession with mustaches. last night, she came to a meeting we had with a sweatshirt on she had made that featured a mustache. she makes mustache cookies and is planning a mustache party for our ministry. i think she should get a mustache tattoo.

although not on the same level as hannah, i find the mustache very fascinating. as a general rule, if you are under 40, you can't pull the mustache off. only more, ahem, distinguished gentlemen (read: older) can wear a mustache well. which is too bad, because i think i'd like to have one.

here are a few interesting mustache things to think about:

• march has often been referred to as "mustache march." this works well after facial hair february.
• speaking of march, did you know that the american mustache institute is planning a "million mustache march" in washington d.c. on april 1st? they are rallying support for a tax cut for men with mustaches. true story.
• here are 51 photos of the best mustaches in hollywood. i love these.
• you also need to view the photos from the "world beard and mustache championships."

what say you? are you a fan of the mustache? can you pull one off?

i have a romantic bent, but like most married men, i have gradually stopped creatively pursuing and romancing my wife in our nearly 12 years of marriage. (although i do have some glorious moments of married romance under my belt...some day soon i will tell you of the chocolate cow i made for my wife).

in january, i resolved to make an effort to better romance and pursue my wife in 2012. i thought i might post some challenges on the ol' blog to challenge and encourage other husbands on the journey.

i have been unleashing the romance in 2012. i encourage you to join me. it's never too late to join in.

good romance, i am beginning to believe, starts with good communication. and good communication starts with listening. and listening starts with asking good questions.

i have asked Keri these 10 questions (well, these 9 questions and 1 statement) recently, and will again soon as a sort of marital check-up. these questions come from All-Pro Dad. you MUST sign-up and receive their "play of the day" emails if you are striving to be a better husband and father.

what questions would you add to the list?

Here are 10 good questions you should ask your wife, at least every year:

• What do you think is going right in our relationship?

It’s been a while since you took the marriage vows. But it’s still true that positive affirmation leads to more productive change than negative evaluation. It’s helpful to identify our strengths. Once we know them we can play to them. Building each other up is always win-win.

• Where would you like our relationship to be this time next year?

It doesn’t matter where we are, there’s always room to be better. She might say, “I’d like to see more spontaneous affection.” Or, “I want us to be moving forward together in our faith.” She could say, “I want our relationship to involve more fun!”

• Will you please marry me, all over again?

Say it with flowers. Say it like you mean it. Make sure your wife knows how much you cherish her.

• I’d love to hear about your dreams for the future.

A wise Hebrew writer once wrote, “Without a vision, the people perish.” Listen to your wife, imagine great things together, and then step into the possibilities.

• Is there anywhere you’d like to visit this coming year?

Indulge a little whimsy. Listen, laugh together, fantasize about fabulous vacations, and then tuck the information away somewhere, so you can possibly plan a trip. A good husband listens to his wife’s dreams. A great husband weaves them into their plans for the future.

• Do you think we’re doing OK financially?

This needs to be an ongoing conversation. However, like any small business (and a family is like a business in many ways), the directors need to have a comprehensive annual meeting to evaluate the finances and the plan for the coming year.

• How are you doing health wise?

Encouraging one another necessarily involves accountability. Partners should never remain ignorant when it comes to health concerns.  And not just physical health.  It’s also important to take inventory of each other’s emotional well-being.

• If you could change one thing about our priorities as a family, what would it be?

Notice this isn’t an invitation to criticize, but more an opportunity to grow together.

 

Possible answers might include:

-I’d like to see less TV time and more family time with one another at home.

-We’re not eating together enough. I’d like to see dinnertime valued a little more.

-We say can’t afford a family vacation, but then we eat out 2-3 times a week. Maybe we should shift that one around!

• Is there anything I devote regular time to that you see as a possible threat to our family/our relationship?

Patterns take time to emerge. When we look back – or from another person’s point of view – sometimes we can see more clearly. Ask your wife if there are any adjustments you can make (Consistently late for dinner? Too much golf? Too many evenings with “the boys”?) that would help her to feel more secure.

• Are you happy?

It’s a good question even if she says she’s happy already. “What can I do to make you more happy?” is a great discussion.  Again, this is where good, active, listening is very important.  And your wife’s greatest happiness will always be found in God, so encourage her to grow in her faith.