This is a very painful memory that I don’t like to take out very often. It is a memory I don’t share with many. Even some of my family have no clue.
But I feel I have to, just in case it reaches one person and they stop because of having read this.
That would make exposing my little dark secret to the world worth while.
So why now?
In the last month or so, a couple of my friend’s worlds have both been rocked by suicides.
Kids with their whole lives ahead of them. Gone now.
But those kids and I have something in common. We all went down the same road.
And that is my secret.
* * *
I remember the moment.
I remember how I planned it all out.
I remember waiting for a day that my parents would be gone.
I didn’t want to be stopped or found too early you see.
I remember making sure that I said a farewell to all my friends and family after I left their side.
I didn’t want any of them to think that it was because of them that I had made this choice.
I remember how peaceful I felt and how I had no fear.
It was an end, my end and I was ready for it.
I remember how I had stocked up on enough medication to make sure that it didn’t end poorly and I would have to try again someday.
I figured that dying in my sleep would be better than my family finding me in a state of horror.
I remember sitting down, on my bed and looking at the pills.
They were there all lined in a row. Waiting for me.
I remember taking one last look around the house and thinking about how I would miss it and those within it, but it was time.
I remember taking out a CD and putting it into the player. It was Metallica’s “Ride the Lightning”.
I pushed random and “Fade to Black” came on.
Fitting, I thought.
Then I remember actually listening to the song as it played.
I remember hearing the pain in the lyrics, my pain.
I remember sobbing as I realized my most important lesson in life, that I wasn’t the only one. That there were others out there in as much despair as I.
Page 2 of 2 - I remember weeping openly and felt the darkness inside me spill out of my soul.
I remember waking up out of my nightmare, looking around the room and realizing what I had almost done.
I remember wailing.
I remember taking the pills and throwing them away.
That is what I remember.
Now you need to remember this, you aren’t alone. Despair is in all of us.
But even in despair you must realize that it isn’t worth taking your life. No heartache, no pain is worth that.
You have friends that will listen and understand you. You have family that will raise you up and make you whole again.
You have people, such as I, who have been on the brink and have come back. You can talk to them, you can talk to me.
You have preachers and counselors who will listen and get you the help you need.
You have your life.
You have everything you need all around you. Don’t let that despair eat you alive and take all of the good from you.
I almost did and those three kids in that picture that I am holding almost didn’t exist. That ring would be on another man’s hand.
Despair will eat you up if you let it. Don’t let it. Your life is worth living.
I remembered that and things turned out okay for me and they will for you too. It isn’t too late.