Stein's Blog: Football hyperbole

In the Steinmeyer household, I am pretty much in charge of making sure Sam's homework is completed. Sam is my 13-year old son and a seventh grader at Maryville Middle School. Math dominates his homework, but once in a while Mrs. Anderson has something for Sam to complete in Language Arts.

I was a middle school teacher once upon a time. Language Arts was not my strength. Mrs. Anderson's homework often educates me more than my teenage son. Recently, Sam needed to study for a make-up quiz that had some really long, obnoxious words. One was "hyperbole." Hyperbole, I now know, is figure of speech in which exaggeration is used for emphasis or effect.

That's the perfect description for the way some people are describing the Maryville High football game with Smithville Friday night. If you haven't heard, the final score was 34 – 7. If you happen to think Maryville High is a school in central Kansas, you don't know how to spell and you probably think the score was lopsided.

If that's you, give yourself a 50%, which was a better grade than Sam's first quiz grade. Your spelling is still poor, but the score was lopsided. However, I heard a lot of comments from the fans in the real Maryville (located in northwest Missouri). Being over dramatic, they describe the game as a real battle to the finish.

You do have to give Smithville some credit. Their quarterback looked like an excellent passer and they had a really good running back. They accomplished something that none of Maryville's first six opponents; the second half was not played with a running clock, football's answer to the "mercy rule."

I'm no football expert. My attempts at coaching football 30 years ago were certainly not worthy of notice. I don't think, though, I am using a hyperbole when I announce that the Spoofhounds have stomped through seven teams. All have been blow-outs. As a former coach, I know the Maryville coaches won't admit to a blow-out Friday, but as a fan, I can proudly say it was no contest.

The Spoofhounds have a sophomore running back that almost ran for more yards than the entire Smithville team gained in TOTAL yards. Unlike some past excellent Maryville teams, this one has offensive balance. They have a quarterback that has thrown for over 1,000 yards and he's only played sparingly most second halves.

If you were at the game, were you worried when Smithville scored one the first possession of the second half? You shouldn't have; it was a fluke. The Spoofhounds still led by 20 points. The fact that no team has scored more than one touchdown against the steel curtain-like Maryville defense did cross my mind.

The win was assured when the Spoofhounds scored their second touchdown halfway through the first quarter. Smithville should be proud they didn't allow a running clock in the second half. How can you accuse me of using hyperboles when I say there was nothing to worry about by the end of Maryville's 20-point first quarter?

I've heard many fans are really worried about the next two games. With my limited knowledge of football, I would bet the farm, if it was legal to bet, that the Highway 71 sign will spend the next 12 months in the Maryville trophy case. I don't have a big sample of Spoofhound football over the years, but this one seems special and that's no hyperbole.

As long as we are talking about exaggerations, Northwest Missouri State is no stranger to being on the positive end of blow-out games. However, danger was written all over their trip to Edmond, Oklahoma to play Central Oklahoma State University

The Bronchos had given number one ranked Pittsburg State a good game earlier in the season. Last week, they had taken nationally top five ranked, Missouri Western, to the fourth quarter before our rivals to the south secured the win.

Just like in Maryville on Friday, the collegiate game was never a contest. I was out of town, but reading about it (in the Maryville Daily Forum, of course), it was never close. Mrs. Anderson, the language arts teacher, might describe it like this; "The Bearcat Bombed the Bumbling, Beaten Bad-guys Badly."

Thanks to homework and Mrs. Anderson, I know that sentence isn't an example of a hyperbole, but a demonstration of alliteration. I hope my commas are in the right places.